


I hate the way I don't hate you

by merliniswaiting



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 08:36:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1104719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merliniswaiting/pseuds/merliniswaiting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2013, Merlin is still waiting for Arthur. Will he ever find him again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not the end

**Author's Note:**

> I have written this for the Merthur party event, I still don't know if I'm going to write something for tomorrow...  
> Anyway, the title of this chapter is the prompt this fic was based on.
> 
> Disclaimer - I don't own Merlin (BBC)

It was 2013, Merlin was still waiting.

In a week it would be yet another anniversary of Arthur’s death, as if it wasn’t sad enough Arthur died the day which would later become Christmas eve, meaning that Merlin had to live through centuries seeing people around him happy when all he wanted to do was crawl in a corner and cry until his eyes hurt.

As Merlin waited for Arthur he tried everything, even having a family in the 18th century, it hasn’t really worked, he’s been depressed and his wife couldn’t understand what was happening. He stayed with her for five years, five years of suffering for both of them. One day he decided to leave, he went away, he travelled, and then one day he knew it was her end. And he came back, he was there when she exhaled her last breath in that Hospital bed, he appeared as an old man so she could have the illusion that he had aged, her lasts words were “I hope he will return to you one day”. He cried and stayed in his bed for two days straight, he had genuinely loved her, he liked her blond curls, the way she blushed when he complimented her, her bright blue eyes which reminded him of Arthur.. That’s it, that’s why he had loved her so much, he had seen his Arthur in her, and god that hurt. 

Everything that Merlin had tried to forget Arthur only brought all the memories back even stronger. Once that boat disappeared, he had been on the verge of madness. As soon as it had faded away, he had no idea where to go. That was when he saw it, a cliff. Surely if he fell he would die, and so he did, he let all the strengths in his body leave him and let himself fall. Falling was hard, he felt his lungs searching for air that he couldn’t breathe, and his eyes were shut tight. He hit the ground. And that’s when he understood something was very wrong. 

He was still alive. 

How? How could he still be alive? He was sure he was dead, his heart had been ripped out from his chest, the only thing that remained alive was his mind, and this fall would have normally been fatal. But there he was, lying on his stomach on the cold ground and there he stayed waiting for his body to finally realise the impossibility of the situation and finally give up. 

It didn’t.

During the day that followed Arthur’s death, Merlin spent all his time trying to find a way to die. When he thought about it later he realised how ridiculous it was. He stayed a whole week sitting in front of the lake, he didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, he wanted to die. And then, someone appeared, it was a just peasant who looked at him and told him he looked as he had seen death itself, he laughed dryly. The peasant took him to his house and made him eat, and as he was taking his last bite of bread the peasant said “Have you heard the news? The queen lifted the ban on magic”. Guinevere. He had forgotten her, he had forgotten everyone, Gaius, Gwaine… His grief made him not only blind but also careless, he was ashamed. He returned to Camelot, everyone was happy to see him, when Guinevere spotted him while looking through her window she had run to the castle courtyard and had stopped before him, a hand holding her dress, and the other on her mouth as tears were rolling down her cheeks. 

He stayed in Camelot as long as the rest of his friends lived, he took care of Gaius in his lasts days, he watched Guinevere going on with her life and marrying Leon. They never had children, and Merlin never asked why. Sometimes it would upset him so much seeing his best friend just forgetting about Arthur. Then he would be ashamed and mentally slap himself, how could he think such a cruel thing? Guinevere was just trying to be happy, and she had the right to do so. Hadn’t she lost her father, her brother, her best friend, her first lover, and even her husband? How could he forget the fact that she lifted the ban on magic for him? (Even if he didn't have a purpose to use it any more). She was the last of them to die, Merlin stayed next to her bed every day, usually she would look at him, put a hand on his cheek and say “how can you still be so beautiful? Why don’t you age like everyone else?” and when Merlin looked at her with a pained expression on his face she would chuckle and say affectionately “Do not see your immortality as a burden, see it as reward, you saw Arthur die but your immortality will permit you to see him again.” Her lasts words were “I love you”. 

December 25th 2013 was therefore the worst day of the whole year. He didn’t know exactly what to do... eat? sleep? lay on the floor and stay there crying the whole day? He chose the last option. As he was sinking to the floor he felt something in his chest.

Glimmer of hope? 

It couldn’t be, he had certainly mistaken the feeling. But it was still there, he felt like the sun was burning outside of his handmade tent, he was living in a remote place of Canada, where the snow never melted and where he was as faraway of humans as possible. He opened the tent and was welcomed by the cold wind, he closed it quickly. What was happening? Why was he feeling as if it was a summer day? Something was trying to pull him out of the tent, an invisible force. But how could he go out if it was freezing outside? He closed his eyes and let the feeling invade him. His heart was beating fast and looking for a place to go ; no, not outside, somewhere else, a crowded place came to his mind, it had lights everywhere and he could see people smiling, happy to be alive. He let his heart guide him. 

A few minutes later he was in that crowded place, where was it? He could see black cars, and red buses, a few phone boxes around the place. Where. Was. It? He looked at his right, he saw a shop called “London souvenirs”, he was in London then? The city had changed so much since his last visit. Suddenly he saw his own face on the shop’s showcase and almost jumped. He hadn’t seen himself in a while, he had aged himself when he was alone in Canada, he didn’t know exactly why since the only people he ever saw were some moose sometimes, but it felt right. As he looked away from the showcase to the people still running on the pavement, he saw a glimpse of blond hair running in the opposite direction and his heart stopped. 

Could it be? 


	2. Just the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin thinks he has finally found Arthur and of course he's still the same prat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on the sixth Merthur party prompt: Just the beginning.
> 
> Disclaimer - I don't own Merlin (BBC)

He stayed there looking through the crowd around him, searching for the blond hair he saw earlier. Then he started running. Nobody noticed him since everyone was running, sometimes he would bump into someone and they would yell at him but he hadn't time to look back and apologize. He had just turned a corner when he ran into someone. 

'Oi ! What the hell ?' yelled the man

He lifted his eyes to meet those of the stranger. Impossible. This couldn't be. The man in front of him was Arthur, no doubt. Is it possible for someone to reincarnate with the exact same facial features ? Arthur seemed almost more beautiful than he was before, his blue eyes never seemed brighter and his blond hair seemed to be made of sun rays. 

'Are you deaf as well as blind ?' Arthur said.

Merlin came back to reality, he had forgotten everything and everyone around him, totally overwhelmed by a feeling of joy. The feeling quickly disappeared as he heard Arthur's words.

'I'm sorry ?' he asked.

'Oh, so you're actually capable of saying something, aren't you going to apologize for the mess you made ? » Arthur seemed so obviously upset.

And that's when he saw and felt the coffee on him. Arthur was carrying a coffee cup when he ran into him, and now the coffee was all over Arthur's white shirt and Merlin's thin robe. 

'I'm sorry I-'

'You better be !'

So that was it then, Arthur hadn't change in the slightest. He was still the same prat that merlin had met fifteen hundred years ago. 

'Oh my lord' Merlin said sarcastically 'Please forgive your clumsy servant.'

This only worsened Arthur's fury.

'Who do you think you are to talk to me in such impudence ?'

'Listen, young man, this isn't the way you treat an old man like me' said Merlin 'Look at me, look into those old and tired eyes and carry on talking like this I dare you !'

'Have we met ?' Arthur didn't seemed upset any more but rather curious.

'I don't think so, I never forget a face' He couldn't believe he was actually reviving the first time Arthur met him as Dragoon the great. 

'Your eyes...' Arthur trailed off and then recovered 'Do you actually know who I am ?' 

'A prat.'

Arthur laughed, he _laughed._

'Well, apart from that I also happen to be the King's son and if we don't stop talking right now, tomorrow the tabloids will go crazy over an insignificant old man I met in London. So, take this.' he gave him money 'And now I have to go, I can't go to the party with this stained shirt. '

And that was it. He was gone. Merlin couldn't believe it. Was he serious ? He saw an old -obviously homeless- man on the street and all he has done was yell at him, give him some money and care about what the others could think of him. Merlin used to think that Arthur was a prat but really he surpassed himself. He didn't know what he should do now. Arthur told him he was the king's son, how was he supposed to find him ? He couldn't just appear at Buckingham palace and say « Hello, I want to talk to Arthur » he would be thrown out by the guards, actually he wouldn't even pass them.

First thing he had to do was change his appearance. He needed to let everyone see his true face. 

He hid in a dark alley and as soon as he said the spell the dark hair, high cheekbones and those ears he loved/hated appeared. That was better. He had change his clothes too so he didn't look like a homeless old man any more.

'For God's sake, why is this scarf so big ?' He shouted as he left the dark alley.

As he walked down the streets of London he couldn't suppress the feeling of joy. He had found his Arthur, he was out there, alive and healthy. This was the best Christmas of his life. He decided to buy something to eat since the last time he ate was two days ago, the anniversary of Arthur's death always made him even more depressed than usual. He was leaving the bakery when he heard people shouting. Arthur was crossing the street and talking in his phone, he couldn't see the bus that was coming right at him. Without thinking Merlin ran across to Arthur, slowing down time and pulling him out of the path of the oncoming bus. He heard the bus passing next to them. Arthur got up on his feet and offered Merlin his hand. They were standing next to each other when Merlin saw the paparazzi around them. Arthur didn't want to draw the attention of the journalists... Well, he had failed. 

Arthur offered Merlin a shy smile. 'Thank you for saving my life.'

'That was... that was... something anyone would do.' He said.

'I don't think so. It was an act of courage ; no one really wants to jump in front of a bus for a random passer-by.' 

'Is the prince a random passer-by?' said Merlin.

Arthur started laughing again. Oh god, how Merlin had missed this beautiful sound. 

'I guess not. Please, is there anything I can do to thank you ?' Arthur said, ignoring the paparazzi still there. Merlin didn't know what to answer. Where is Uther when you need him ? The first time he was the one who made him Arthur's servant thus allowing him to practically live with the boy. Now Merlin could only count on himself, what was he supposed to say ?

'Marry him !' a girl shouted drawing Merlin and Arthur's attention to her and making them laugh.

Arthur looked at Merlin again 'Well, you will have to ask my father for my hand first.' and that made them giggle like teenager girls. 

They couldn't look away from each other eyes, Merlin could still hear the people around them talking to each other as they couldn't quite believe what just happened. Merlin couldn't either. He found the love of his life twice in the same night and now he wasn't going to let him go. 

No, he wasn't.

  
  



	3. The golden age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin found Arthur, he's the son of the current king of the United Kingdom. Will he remember Merlin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of this fic, it's based on the last prompt of the merthur party.
> 
> Disclaimer - I don't own Merlin (BBC)

It seemed like time had stopped. All that mattered was that moment, Arthur's lovely smile and perfect eyes. Merlin would never get tired of lookng into his eyes, they were what he had missed the most. They were so expressive, every feeling Arthur could feel always passed through his eyes. Last time Merlin saw them Arthur's eyes showed his love for Merlin, his serenity for being in the arms of the man who loved him, his regret for not having much time left and even a bit of fear as he knew he was going to die. Merlin flinched; he didn't want to remember that terrible day.

'--So, what do you say about that?' Arthur asked, dragging Merlin's attention to the present.

'I'm sorry?' It was the second time that Merlin was talking to Arthur that night and the second time that he wasn't listenning.   


Arthur laughed again. 'No one seems to be listenning to me tonight! I was saying "What about a coffee?"'

Merlin wanted to laugh too. Just a few moments ago, he had made a huge mess of Arthur's shirt. Now he wanted to go out for coffee with him?

'Coffee seems like a good way to thank me.' He answered.

'Perfect' said Arthur 'but I still don't know your name.' Was it a smirk on his face?

'Sorry, my name's Merlin.'

Arthur flinched a little and they shook hands.

'It's a pleasure Merlin... I feel like I know you. It's strange; it's the second time that it happens to me this evening.'

'Well, you too look like someone I used to know.' _Actually you are that person,_ Merlin thought-

Arthur smiled. 'Let's go then. Shall we?'

They started walking. Merlin couldn't quite believe what was happening. And Arthur was feeling the same thing. Was it okay for a prince to just ask someone out just a few minutes after meeting them? What about protocols?

'So, I'm sorry, I've been away for a long time and I have no idea who the king is.' Merlin said.

'Where were you living? Under a rock?' Arthur said and Merlin suppressed the desire of punching him. 'My father's name is George, it's been twenty years since Granny died and left the crown to him. One day I'll be the head of state as well but... really, I don't want to. It scares me.'

Arthur tilted his head to the right like he couldn't believe that he was saying that to a complete stranger.

'I don't know why I'm telling you that.' He said as they walked through the people gathered in front of the London gift shops. He looked at Merlin. 'There's something about you Merlin. I can't quite put my finger on it.' He opened the door of the cafe and they entered.

They ordered and sat down in one of the corners.

'So... Tell me Merlin. Where were you all this time?' 

'I was in Canada.' He answered without thinking.

'Canada, Merlin? It's funny because I'm pretty sure my father is the king of Canada too'

Merlin slapped himself mentally.

'Um, yes, but I lived in a very secluded place, I didn't have much company.'

A waitress handed them their coffee and disappeared as soon as she had appeared.

'I don't have much company either. It's rather lonely to be the prince.'

'I understand, Arthur.' And he did, the fact that he was so powerful held him far away from others.

Arthur started giggling. 'And, I mean... Why did my father choose this name?' I'm not some kind of heroic figure who's going to pull a sword from a stone with the help of some sorcerer called-' He stopped, realising what he was saying. 'Merlin...' He trailed off, his eyes widening. 

Merlin remembered the stories he had written after Arthur's death that had gained the title of "legends". Well, he hadn't really prepared himself for that.

'Arthur, I have to show you something. Promise you'll let me.'

'Merlin, you're freaking me out.'

'Ssh, close your eyes' Merlin said as he put his hand on Arthur's cheek allowing all his memories pass from him to Arthur. He remembered everything from the first time they met to Arthur's death.

Arthur opened his eyes.

'Merlin.' He said, putting a hand on Merlin's cheek.

Merlin would never get tired of looking into Arthur's eyes. It was like looking at his very soul. And what a beautiful soul he had! As he said Merlin's name his eyes started to shine as the tears started to appear. Lots of feelings could be spotted: the first was fear. Why was he afraid? He was scared of losing Merlin a second time. Then it was amazement, he was amazed by the fact that he was remembering everything. The third feeling was peace; he had found the one he was looking for. The last feeling was love. He was overwhelmed by the sensation and Merlin could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to look away.

They kissed.  


End file.
